Today's advice is for our toronto readers regarding subway etiquette.
If you just missed the subway, make that joke where you act like you're about to have a heart attack you're so angry.
Also, give up your seat to very old people ("If their hair is gray, you can't stay"), pregnant women, and the handicapped. If you do give up your seat, DO NOT make eye contact with any other riders as you do it (I know you want to). They will think you only want them to notice how great you are. You do NOT have to get up just because somebody is a woman. They need to pay the price for liberation sometimes.
Don't act as if you've exited the bowels of Alcatraz and are witnessing sunlight for the first time in 20 years when arriving at the top of the steps when leaving the subway. There are people behind you who'd like to keep moving, so don't yawn, turn on your phone, stretch or weave from side to side so no one can get past you. Additionally, don't try to finish up that cell-phone conversation on the way into the subway. You know how you love to pause on the stairs to fill someone in on how you can't afford to buy them fries, or how you'll be there in 10 minutes? Take that shit somewhere else.
If you are on the train and you see one of those poor motherfuckers in a dead sprint toward the closing subway doors, DO just fucking hold it for them, please. The TTC is lying: It will not delay other trains, and it's not "safer" just to wait for the next train—the conductor isn't going to gas it with some woman's leg hanging out of the car. Plus it'll give you this really cool man-over-machine triumph-type feeling.
WATCH: Pedro Almodovars "Bad Education" Gael Garcia Bernal makes a beautiful woman. And there's a solid movie there too.
EAT: A Salmon Sandwich at the Fish Store on College. 6 bucks gives you heavenly bliss.
LISTEN: To Fourtet's Remixes of Madvillains tracks, it makes me retarded with happyness.
PLAY: The best videogame I've played in over 5 years. If you have a gamecube (BRANDON!) you must play Resident Evil 4. If you don't, you are missing out on the greatest achievement in gaming since Tekken. Im serious.