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NBA Season Preview 1

Posted by miguel on 2003-10-28 10:24:41
6 forum posts

Everyone knows that I love basketball more than Christmas or the fact that theres 2 scoops of raisins in Kelllogs Raisin Bran. Theres something quite fascinating in a non HOMO-Erotic way about big sweaty men running around backing each other up, stuffing each other and cramming a big orange ball in each other's basket...ohhhhhhh.

But the NBA is such a topsy-turvy world, a realm in which you never know what teams are on the rise or what stars are gonna break out

(in a sweat while facing a jury of their peers BAHHHHHAHAHAHA POP CULTURE JOKE LOL KOBE BRYANT!!! OMG SO FUNNY)

So without any further delay, here is MIGUEL'S NBA PREVIEW FOR THE 2003-2004 SEASON.

Oh yeah, the teams are listed in no particular order.....or are they?


1. San Antonio Spurs

So the Admiral has left the ship eh? What most people forget is that old David Robinson was a much suckier version of young David Robinson, who was dunking on people starboard and overboard. To replace him they got some Russian or Lithuanian dude from the Wolves, who will still suck in the West but is gonna be an improvement over the Admiral. But forget the center issue.....the most clutchingest player in history is coming on board in Texas ROBERT HORRY!!!! This motherfucker has broken the heart of more teams than even Oliver Millers food fetish. I suggest they rest him and feed him bombons all throughout the regular season and then unleash him in the playoffs, but only in the fourth quarter. He could come out in a big cloak with the hood up just like a big super hero/villain, and then he would throw the hood back and people would be all like OH MY GOD ITS ROBERT HORRY IN THE FOURTH QUARTER WE'RE DOO-MEHD!!!!!! Oh yeah the best player in Argentina and Tony Parker are ok too...and the turkish dude I think is overrated but people still ejaculate at his feet.

2. Lakers
Best starting five in the league, and the worst bench in the history of the NBA. If Shaq isnt bored and truly has the madness, he could take a team of Carl Englishes to the finals, but dont even think for a second that Inmate Kobe is gonna be as good as last season..and that trial is scheduled for May, just when the post-season starts. Tremendous. And Gary Payton and Karl Malone are mouthy fucks. I predict a season of hilarity, with the lakers smoking a whole lot of teams but also getting smoked by surprising teams. THey still miss A.C Green a lot .

3. Dallas Mavericks
Umm Mark Cuban what the fuck are you doing? Who the fuck told you its a good idea to add Antoine Walker and Antwan Jamison (fucking crazy spellings of names) on your already overloaded team. You realize of course that Walker is a crazy whining little fuck and is gonna start bitching and chucking from half court as soon as he settles in, and Jamison is used to being DA MAN for all his career in Golden State. He can drop fifty on someone, but he needs tons of shots to be effective cuse hes a scorer. Both are not know for
1. Defence
The Dallas Mavericks need: 1.Defence 2.Rebounding 3.Toughness 4.Even hotter cheerleaders if possible.
Oh....and you already have three all-stars eh? I think you remember them....they need shots too I think.

4. Minnesota Timberwolves
Now this is a good idea, all it took was the fear of Garnett leaving and the Wolves decided to surround him full of plain old ballers. The alien from Coccoon Cassel is a great pg, sprewell is crazy good and the Candyman has a goddamn retarded picture up on These guys should go far....but will still fall to the Overlord Spurs and the Lakers on a good day. But this will be the year they actually (GASP) make it to the second round.

5.Sacramento Kings
I hate you kings I hate you so much that I touch myself in a bad way every time you lose. I think im gonna be touching myself all over this year. Mike Bibby was demoted to pretty good from the HOT SHIT rating he had two playoffs ago, Doug Christie's wife is good on defence but sucks at pretty much anything else. Bobby jackson however is fucking incredible (come to Toronto baby) and will win them some games. God I get upset just writing about this team, like Christ Webber, who the hell thinks hes still good??? How is he even a top 10 player??? If we went by regular season which really means shit all, then Mcgrady would be considered an elite player in the NBA, even though he regularly sucks it up in the post-season....oh wait. It seems like every year they have fucking excuses for not getting the job done and for eating their words after they say how much theyre gonna rape people in the playoffs. THE REFS BOOOHOOO WEBBERS KNEE BOOOHOOOO BLARG MY NURSES BOOOHOOOO. Suck it up you wimps, youre all Doug Christified.

6. Phoenix Suns
Starbury, Hardaway, Stoudemire and Marion. Thats all you need to know about this team. Stoudemire is nasty, oh so nasty.....he has embarassed more 4s and 5's in the league than the rippers in Atlanta. Starbury when hes on is like Jesus just stepped into the court, when hes off, hes just an amazing PG who likes to shoot a little to much. The issues here come from Marion and Hardaway. Marion has really not lived up to his promise from his rookie year, primarily due to a horrible....horrible shot. He can rebound and dunk fine, but so can 98% of the league. Youve got to have a consistent shot. How can anyone still think Penny Hardaway is an asset? Confusing. But stoudamire and starbury will make these guys dangerous.

7. No longer the Jailblazers
But not really much good anymore either. We will see Zach Randolph will bring it of if he will bring the hurt upon Ruben Patterson, who should really be in Jail or at a community service program. Wallace wants to move so bad hes gonna start crying soon. And Damon now loves delicious reefer not basketball, which is understandable but unfortunate. Theres some other people there too, like Bonzi Wells but this is a pretty boring team now. They might not make playoffs....we will see.

8.Houston Rockets
Here is a simple fact that the whole world minus Steve Francis and Cuttino Mobley knows: pass the ball to the 9nth wonder of the world and you will win. Fortune Cookie says: Eddie Griffin has shot girlfriend, cannot be relied upon any longer. I love Moochie Norris....Mooooooochie! Jeff Van Gundy needed some sleep, now hes got it and hes ready to go, if he can get the rockets to play up to full potential, oh my god.

Hubie Brown is some kind of awesome, so old and yet kicking ass out there and making Jason "Insert nickname referring to whiteness" Williams playing somewhat under control. The Spanish guy seems to be pretty good, and miller is dumb but can shoot. In the East they would be good.....but brother, this aint the East....its the West, and so no, they wont be much good.They need stronger impact players, not fucking college stars....cuse brother, this aint college, its the NBA! I LOVE THIS GAME!!!111 I hope Hubie will not have an anurism or a stroke while coaching, that would be an unwelcome first. Jerry West's rep is at stake here.

10. Denver Nuggets
So many questions: WHy does Carmelo Anthony have such retarded cornrows, will Nene Hilario bring ridiculously hot Brazilian girls over to the Mile High city? How come Earl Boykins is so awesome when hes so tiny? And how happy is Andre Miller gonna be now that hes left L.A? These are all great questions to ask, cuse Denver wont make the playoffs, not with voshon lenard and camby on their team. No sir.

11. Seattle Supersonics
They all love each other now that Paytons gone. Great......they can fucking drink beer and console one another after the many...many losses they will incur. Ray Allen: great guy, can't carry team. Rashard Lewis: great guy, can't carry team (yet). Rest of team: Jerome James (who?), Radmanovic is just happy to escape the soup kitches of his native Latvania, which is ruled over by Doctor Doom with an IRON FIST..and others.

12.The Clippers
Heres what you have to know, the clippers have Officer Polynice on their team and thats awesome. Elton Brand is so good he got Donald "The Clippers are an extension of my real estate business" Sterling to open up his Scrooge McDuck purse. But why did he also pay maggette? He sucks, doesnt he? Quentin Richardson is unsucky, I love to watch him play.. Hes like a guard who plays like a center, which is weird and cool. BACK HIM UP, CRAM THAT ORANGE BALL RIGHT IN HIS BASKET, OHH BACK HIM UP SOME MORE ohhhhhhhh god....

13.Golden State Warriors
One step forward, sixty trillion steps back. That doesnt even come close to half a percent of how bad the Warriors are gonna be. Jason Richardson is like Vince Carter if Carter constantly sucked. The rest is Mike Dunleavy who could only start if his dad coached again or if he played for the Warriors. Troy Murphy and his ridiculous haircut round out the relevant players....and yes thats how bad the warriors are, fucking Troy Murphy is the only other person I mention. Oh...wait Nick Van Exel plays for them, but hes crazy and getting old. He will have some good quotes though.

14.Utah Jazz
But not as bad as this motley crew. The Jazz have finally caught up with the new NBA, a NBA filled with players who love Hip-Hop not Mormon Chants, cities with soulfood restaurants not whatever the hell it is white people eat (oatmeal?). From here on in, the Jazz can only hope to a. Hideously overpay free agents or b.Draft really really really really good. Here's hoping their GM has been reading up on scouting reports for the next lottery, cuse no team should have to say that Carlos Arroyo is their starting point guard. AK-47 is good, but hes not even starting for some reason. And how hilarious is it that Keon Clark is in fucking UTAH! Im sure theres some weed to be had there, but Keon Clark in Utah is like Antonio Davis in Toronto.....WHOS GONNA TEACH MY CHILDREN THE GLORIOUS AMERICAN HISTORY!!!!????? KEEP THEM AWAY FROM METRIC, AWAY I SAY!!!!! BLARGGGGG HURR HURR


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