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NBA SEASON PREVIEW (EAST)

Posted by miguel on 2003-11-06 18:31:28
3 forum posts
Hello hello my chappies, sorry for the long delay in any new writings, but I've been pretty busy doing piss all, you know how it is.

Lets get the laugh track powered up, cuse the Eastern Conference is one long, sorry joke, and the punchline might very well be the

ATLANTA HAWKS:
Umm I don't really understand how these guys can even win one whole game. Fuck, I'll be amazed if they're ever up one quarter this whole season! Last year the GM promised to refund anyone's season tickets if the Hawks didn't make the playoffs...and of course they didn't. The reason is simple: Shareef Abdul Rahim is a world class shit-magnet who has some seriously bad mojo. FUN FACT: Rahim's 7 straight losing seasons is a league record, no one has ever gone so long being immersed in loserdom...that can't be healthy. But hey, the rippers in Hotlanta are reputedly Grade A beef, just ask Patrick Ewing or Erick "I single-handedly saved both the WCW and the WWF(E)" Bischoff.

Milwakee Bucks:
Herb Kohl, the owner of the Bucks is truly an evil genius. You see, he got rid of over-rated and expensive "all stars" like Cassel and Allen and he's betting it all on T.J Ford and Desmond Mason, who's claim to fame is winning the NBA's shittiest Dunk Contest ever. Michael Redd is actually one of those old school scorers who can put up 30 on ANY GIVEN SUNDAY but his last name isn't Jordan, and even if it was, Jordan sucks now so the Bucks would still lose. But Kohl, fantastically rich and intelligent, is having himself criogenically frozen so that he can be rejuvenated in 10 years or so, when this team has accumulated enough #1 draft picks that it will have 3 8-foot chinese guys, 1 super quick Lithuanian and a supremely hot Brazillian (guy or girl, in a decade it will be revealed that 73% of the NBA is gay) that will be used as a reward for good play.

New York Knicks:
The Knicks suck....even when they were good, they sucked. Seriously, when they made the finals against the Spurs back in 98 did anyone really watch it? Or those endlessly boring "classic" playoff battles against the Heat? I'm pretty sure New Yorkers go to Knicks games out of obligation. The fact is that they kept the wrong player (Allan Houston) and as far as I can tell they are relying on some Russian guy and Antonio McDyess to lead them into Salvation. FACT: The Russians are not to be trusted....ever, remember 65 baby, those fucking commies were gonna bring us all down. FACT: McDyess cannot be trusted...ever! Remember how he screwed Phoenix over to go to Denver? Hey Einstein...great fucking move chief! The only thing still keeping Dikembe Jean Jacques Cousteau Dimutombo Columbo Mutombo playing is some mysterious exotic African medicines called "Anabolic Steroids" and "Viagra". Is that even really Mutombo playing? Maybe he had a twin brother or some look-alike back in the cradle of civilization no one knew about.

Miami Heat:
Here's what you need to know about the Heat. Their head coach, Stan Van Gundy, looks exactly like Ron Jeremy.




Thats about it, the heat are not about to do anything significant, not with Lamar Odom as a focal point of the team. Lamar Odom has trouble playing himself on the PS2 if his bloodstream doesn't have enough THC in it. Brian Grant has dreadlocks, and no dreadlocked player has ever been good (Nervous Pervis anyone?) and Eddie Jones had gone missing, presumed scrub. Caron Butler is alright, he will probably be kind of like Jamal Mashburn. It would actually be way awesomer if the Hedgehog really was their coach....there would be cunningulus training in practice and Jenna Jameson&Tera Patrick would be in the stands for Heat games all the times: FUCK YOU SPIKE LEE AND JACK NICHOLSON.

WASHINGTON WIZARDS:
Kwame Brown will never ever get over being called a fag by Michael Jordan. He's gonna have so many issues in his life. He's going to be one of those guys that when someone says to them "Hey, looking good dude!" he's gonna snap and be all like "WHAT THE FUCK??? Are you a fucking fag? do you think im a fucking fag you faggy queer? Ill break your face im not a fag!!!!!1111" And then curl up into a fetal position and whimper. Jerry Stackhouse still has delusions of being amazing when he is just really really good, and is Gilbert Arenas actually a stud? He has good stats but last year with Golden State he was always benched on the fourth for Earl Boykins....who is shorter than me. Enough said. Oh...EARL BOYKINS COME TO TORONTO YOU ARE DREAMY AWESOME!!!

BOSTON CELTICS:
Are like the Raptors, if Vince was a bit worse and was surrounded by crappier players and a point guard called Mike James. Raef Lafrenz is one of those guys who brings it approximately once per week when his kids or wife bitch at him for sucking so much. So the Celtics should win about one game per week then. Good stuff.

CHICAGO BULLS:
In a nutshell: Curry sucks, Chandler doesn't, Williams will never be the same again, Crawford is apparently amazing but I'm gonna wait till the middle of the season for proof of awesomeness, Eddie Robinson (noun) def: overpayed based on hype and "potential", Scottie Pippen is going to have lots of fun trying to keep up with everyone but Curry, and finally Jalen Rose can actually lay the smacketh down. Welcome to the playoffs and a first round exit.

NEW ORLEANS HORNETS:
Ahhh New Orleans.....famous for its music, its nightlife and its beautiful hornets. Every June, hordes of tourists from Japan come to New Orleans to watch the famous hornet mating rituals. They will not be coming to watch an NBA trophy being given to the Hornets team however. This is a team coached by Tim Floyd and no matter how good Baron Davis is (and he's plenty good), Floyd's aura of sucktitude will drag both him and Jamal Mashburn into an ever twirling spiral of hideous destruction, a spiral eerily reminiscent of the New Orleans hornet mating dance.

ORLANDO MAGIC:
That new commercial with T-Mac is goddamned awesome! Why couldn't they make an ad like that for Vince? "Ill be taking them to school every night" wicked bad!..............except he won't and the Magic are going to be pretty shitty with no one but T-Mac being able to do what I like to call "play the game of basketball". And no matter how much every writer likes to goo all over T-Macs face like a hideously shamed bukkake girl, the guy is already ridiculously good, I don't think hes going to get significantly better so that he can single handedly lead the Magic into the second round of the playoffs....if they get to the playoffs at all. Scouts are beggining to find ways to slow down T-Mac and he was quite embarassed by Tayshaun Prince last season. Oh me oh my...I dont know whats going to happen, but I intend to find out: REBOOT!!

PHILADELPHIA 76ER's:
Derrick Coleman is so awesome and fat...I love people who totally waste their potential by either injury or lazyness. Derrick Coleman is a prime example of someone who just loves to drink and party and have a good time, basketball be damned. Allen Iverson now has a new weapon at his disposal, it works like this: you throw a ball at it and it will suck it up and chuck it in the general direction of the opponents basket, quite often it will go in, but not often enough when you really need it. This weapon cannot do anything else but chuck the ball to the basket, it is not designed to rebound, pass or defend. I call this weapon the GLEN ROBINSONTRON 6000000000000. You can only gasp in wonder at how Detroit beats Philly in the last playoffs, so they fire Detroit's coach for the Philly coach. THAT WILL TEACH RICK CARLISLE FOR SUCCEEDING SO MUCH....little upstart. The NBA....I LOVE THIS GAME.

INDIANA PACERS:
Out goes Isaiah Thomas in goes Rick Carlisle...the Pacers are now going to be about 3 billion times better (no hyperbole at all). Isaiah Thomas has a nice smile and thats already saying too many good things about him. Jermaine O'Neal, Harrington and everyones favorite hijink Ron Artest should ensure that the Pacers go strong and deep into the playoffs....OHHH SO DEEP......so strong.....cram that orange ball deep. Scott Pollard will also keep fans entertained with his ever changing coiffure, will it be a geisha hairstyle next or a Jew Fro? WE JUST DON'T KNOW FOLKS!!!!

DETROIT PISTONS:
Are a team that I just dont get.....why are they bringing in Larry Brown who specializes in taking mediocre teams to the playoffs? The Pistons already are a mediocre team who makes it to the playoffs. Number one rule of the NBA: if you have a gigantic, puffy, mushroom afro you automatically rock, even if you suck. Luckily Ben Wallace is an incredibly amazing old school type of player, who loves blocking and rebounding more than the overhyped offensive part of the game. Wallace, Prince, Hamilton and Billups are what this team is all about, Darkwing Milicic won't be ready this year or next from what he's shown so far (nothing). But why do they think Brown will take this team to the next level? Carlisle could have developed Milicic just as well. Maybe I'm wrong...but I'm never wrong so I'm not wrong.

NEW JERSEY NETS:
This is the only team that can give Sacramento a run in the "team I totally hate more than Meg Ryan" department

ALTERNATIVE JOKES:
1. More than fucking Dave Mathews Band
2. More than Hamtaro (SO CUUUUUTE)
3. More than any Canadian movie made in the 80's

Jason Kidd, Kenyon Martin, Kittles and Richard Jefferson (who some people were saying was better than Vince last year OMG WTF ROTFL!!!!) will ensure that these assholes will make it to the playoffs. But they will need Alonzo Mourning playing like a reasonable facsimile of his former healthy-kidney self to stand a chance of making the finals. I for one think Indiana could take them now and Bill Walton doesn't think too much of these Nets either: "Rolled the dice on 'Zo and his kidneys and, minority view, overpaid Kidd". BOOYAH!!!! THROW IT DOWN BIG MAN....THROW...IT.....DOWN!!!

Q: MIGUEL DID YOU FORGET TORONTO?

A: No I didn't you ignoranus, I will be writing a special Toronto Raptors article soon enough, say tomorrow, or March or something....

So I hoped you enjoyed this long, mildly retarded rant. Remember, keep watching those Marv Albert kinky dress up sessions and enjoy this new fun season!



  3 forum posts