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Bill Simmons Column Generator

Posted by phduffy on 2006-08-02 10:48:08
2 forum posts

Here's what I got:

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction

So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Jason Giambi had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Jimmy Williams, that I dislike more than Jason Giambi. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy angry,' these two are a close call.

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. Awesomely Awesome! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Jason Giambi. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Chandler of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Jason Giambi caught a case of alzheimers at the beginning of September, opening a Dean Taylor on Viagara-sized hole for the Red Sox to cruise to the playoffs.

Bish points out that the chances that Jason Giambi will come down with alzheimers in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitation of some sort. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. Jason Giambi receives a vicious side-russina leg sweep from Papi in front of 40,000 fans jammed into The Gahden.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when Toronto turning on the Rock and cheering Hogan at WM 17? That and when The Hansen Brothers putting tinfoil in their knucles are the winners of the 'Most Awesomely Awesome Non-Real-Life Sports Moment Competition 2006.')

3. Jason Giambi is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Todd Jones or Dave Littlefield.

2. Jason Giambi hangs a homemade collage featuring scrabook-style clippings of Dylan Walsh and Maigi in his locker. He is immediately placed on the DL with 'flu-like symptoms.'

1. Jason Giambi meets Joe from Ordinary Joe, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'

After we finish with the conversation about Jason Giambi we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Suzie Kobler is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Jose Lima's wife and going back to her place, only to find out that Shawn Kemp is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Settlers of Catan with Bad tasting cake' and 'Yokozuna's Shiny the strip as potential team names, we settle on 'B-Sharps.'

The thing that's exciting about this league is that it is an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL '93 and NHL '94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that Derek Jeter is the best shortstop in baseball history, but not everyone knows how to conduct an auction.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy in the league does not have to Shave their balls, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is a crucial part of auction success. (Speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Steve Nash perform Cheap Trick while sealing the deal?' Don't they realize we'd rather play fantasy baseball? Though that would be cool.)

Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have auctions in Golf Clubs. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; every person in the room is going to be pissed off and have an extremely sore arm after four hours. No, the auction must be held in someone's house-best furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Halo 2 arcade game, but owner B has a case of Labatt Crystal. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'do you think yo're going out with the boys tonight?' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be Painting their toenails, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Phil Hellmuth doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the Greenies of fantasy sports.

It's also like a marathon. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-hold em

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Pittsburgh? Do they have a tendency toward chewing up pens? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like pen lids.

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you'd never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Nomar Garciapara, or over-hyped rookies that never panned out, like Oliver Perez.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don't overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of psychology

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Dr. Doom-the Fantastic Four in Marvel Comics moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid 45$ for Barry Bonds, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Joe Carter? Or are you Al Jones, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Phase three of the draft is moving day, like day three of The Canadian Open. You need to shoot a 83. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less smooth, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Alyssa Milano in a room full of The Mormons.

Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Loretta, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become laborious. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the day, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are The Duke of All Trivia and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'what am I, a clown, am I here to amuse you?' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like rocket, screaming incomprehensible things like Dr. Ruth and threatening to hit a bitch if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.

'i'm on top of the world!'

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