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The Rundown

Posted by Miguel on 2003-10-15 20:56:42
 
Heres what you have to think about while watching The Rundown: if God (or James Earl Jones, His earthly counterpart) made a movie, what would it look like? Chances are, it would bear more than a passing resemblance to The Rundown.

First off, it would have to be an action movie, cuse they kick ass. Second, it would have the Rock in it, kicking ass in ways previously undiscovered by man, as The Lord knows thats what the people want. Third it would have Stiffler from American Pie being retarded and funny, but not too retarded because then hes annoying, and thats not funny. Fourth it would have insane capoeira fighting, because that shit is so hot right now. Fifth it would have midgets and monkeys, and then a scene where people are high, because thats always comedic gold.

There must have been no Sabbath for the Omnipotent one while making this movie, as He (Yes He!!!, is a chick gonna make the Rundown??) was not quite finished and decided to put in a scene where the Rock has two shotguns at once and is smoking people left and right. Finally, in His infinite wisdom, the Lord made sure that there were no fucking kids in the whole entire movie, cuse little kids ruin action movies faster than Steven Seagals acting.

So I basically think that this movie is probably just as good as having sex with the entire cast of Playboys Voluptuous Vixens while on crack times a billion....maybe.

And you want to know the proof of how the Lord works in mysterious ways?

The guy who directed this miracle, Peter Berg, has just one other little movie to his credit. A little piece entitled "Very Bad Things" with Cameron Diaz and Christian Slater. Now for those of you who know me, you will remember that Very Bad Things is one of my most hated and reviled movies of all time, which can only mean that God chose this talentless hack precisely because of his past atrocities and possessed him to perform the greatest of cinematic wonders: an amazing Hollywood action movie that is my favorite of the year so far.

And yes I am going to see Kill Bill soon, and im quite sure that it will make me have intense orgasms of happiness.

Next up: NARC Ray Liotta kick ass and takes names....and hes all out of....oh fuck it.